My Heart Still Aches

I don't even know how to start this post. I've been away from my blog because I've been too devastated, too down and I'm not in the mood for it. But a very close friend of mine suggested blogging about it might be a good way to express and maybe feel better after it. It has been 21 days since the passing of my dearest father. It's very hard for all of us to accept and even until now I can't believe that he has gone.

How do we all live without you, daddy? I am fortunate to have my children to dote upon. But what about my mother? She has been hit the hardest. I don't know how long it will take for her to recover. I don't blame her for she has lost her pillar of strength. Not a day goes by that I find myself thinking about my dad. How can we just simply forget him when he has touched our lives so much with his kindness and tenderness. I miss him so very much. I miss his smile, I miss talking to him, I miss his voice, I miss his cooking, I miss how he wave goodbye to me, I miss having him around..I just miss everything about him.

I am thankful that I managed to spend time with him before he left us. I also hugged and kissed him. The only thing I regret is I did not say "I love you, daddy" and I did not get to see his last breath even though we were all by his bedside. I also did not get to bring him to Penang. I hope you know how much I love you, daddy and I know that you are now in Heaven with the Lord, free from all your sufferrings. Life has to move on for us even though you are deeply missed. You are one tough person, daddy..battling it for 6 years. I know it's because you know mommy needs you, you want to see us longer, be with your grandchildren longer. I am very proud of you daddy and I will never forget how you've been the best father in the whole world to me. You've always been so caring, understanding and patient.

And even though my heart still aches, how I wish you are still with us, I have to tell myself that you are at a better place. I know you're shining down on us from Heaven. May the Good Lord bless and keep you till we meet again one sweet day.

Depressed

I'm in a middle of a crisis now. I'm depressed because yesterday my babysitter told me that she's quitting. I thought I listened wrongly. I thought she meant not taking care only next month. But no, she actually really meant quitting. I was dumbfounded, didn't know what to respond. I didn't respond much. We were quiet for a few seconds.

She did complain about lil' dahling these past few days citing that she's tired and lil' dahling wants to be carried all the time. lil' dahling doesn't want to sleep alone and very scared of noises. Noises that doesn't seem scary to her before, seems scary to her now even the sound of the back door neighbour washing plates. She also said that lil' dahling is naughtier now and not as obedient as before. If she wants something she must have it by hook or by crook. Whoever ask her to always give in, right? I was able to handle a situation like this.

I might suggest a raise but if she's still not game for it then I seriously need to look for another babysitter. I'm just sad that lil' dahling has to go through this. She seems to sense something is going on. She was quiet yesterday when the babysitter broke out the news and today morning she was extra chirpy when the babysitter carried her. Lil' dahling is already so used to her and she likes her. I don't know how she's going to take it and I don't know how she's going to bond with the next babysitter. I feel so rejected like as if my daughter is a problem child that nobody is willing to take care. It's really bad news and every single person I told, asked the question "Why?"

Yeah..why?